Sunday, September 07, 2008


Happy Anniversary!!!

Ok... maybe not. I am awake on September 7th at 2 am because this is when I watched my house burn down. Ok... maybe it wasn't MY house. But it was the closest thing I had to a home at the time.

The word "Insurance" makes me want to vomit. They drag their feet and we struggle. They want to stop paying for our rent... they withhold information about extra available money. I hate them. Unfortunately this is a company designed to work with churches... so they have policies in place to give churches the minimum amount possible? I try to remind myself to pray for them... so far it isn't working.

I try to remind myself that we just lost "things" that have no real worth. But the sentimental loss is still devastating. I will never show my girls my wedding dress. I will never again hold the teddy bear my mom purchased when she found out she was pregnant. The last quilt my great-grandma made (Out of her own dresses from the 50's) can never be replaced. The crib I placed my 3 oldest babies in is gone. My emotional security is gone.

We live in constant fear. Electrical issues, smoke, alarms, fire engines, sirens... they send us into a panic attack. Will I ever feel safe?

Even if we are able to rebuild, I doubt I would ever be able to live there. The constant fear and mourning would be too much.

Most days I wish we could go... but God has determined otherwise. Anyone stating that my relationship with God must be lacking will be harmed! If I didn't trust God has a purpose for this mess... I wouldn't be here. With my altered state... I wonder if I am really here.

I hope that someday Maggie and Abbie forget about "The house with the stairs" because they regularly state that they miss it. They remember the toys that they lost. They remember not having shoes to go to school. It just reminds me how hard it has been... not just over the last year, but since we followed God's call to come here. It has been 3 years 3 months since we took this call and we have been constantly tested.

Please pray for us, because I am sure that these trials aren't over.

1 comment:

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Jenn, I can't even imagine. We are definitely keeping you in our prayers!