Saturday, February 21, 2009
(Hat tip to Mike at WL)
Scientists in the US have discovered the heaviest element yet known.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
I think I smell fish...
I walk in to discover my kettle filled with hot tap water, 1 full can of fish food and 1 full can of formula... and they spilled it all over the floor. This milky, fishy mix is flowing across the floor and under the fridge and the oven.
It took over an hour to clean it up. I think I still smell fish.
Then today they poured out a brand new bag of fruit loops on the floor and were dancing on them. (Oh how they make a great noise!) John was just rolling in them, sucking on them and depositing them in the pile.
Good Housekeeping Magazine doesn't have good pointers for hot, wet, fish food, formula mix on wood floors... nor do they have a solution for getting crushed and slobered on fruit loops up either. (Hint: the dust buster is useless)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
A. Shut up