Things that Hallmark Cards don't say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"
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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Georgia and Texas)
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time .
Let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.