Thursday, July 13, 2006

Complaints I do not have the backbone to say outloud

My husband (No I am not complaining about him!) has a post on his calling to ministry.

I went to Africa when I was 14 and new that was "home". I knew that sky was my sky and these people were my people. I knew that the people of Africa needed Ethnomusiclogists (Though I didn't know it had a fancy word!) and I decided that was where I was going to dedicate my life. From then on it was part of my testimony: "I am going to be a missionary!"

Now where am I? I am in a small town in Northern California (Which I love). But it is not Africa. My husband is planning his second trip to Africa since we have been married. I ask God, "Why can't I go?!?" But the answer is clear, "You have a new baby to look after."

So I look for my calling here. I have jumped on "good ideas" for ministry and after being here 10 months, nothing I have touched has grown. In reality, if I was to step away from the things I started, no one would pick them up. Our church is growing, but our women's ministry is not. Emotionally I feel rejected by God and the other women of my community. I know that the other women would say, "we are just so busy" or make other excuses for why they don't attend. But they also don't invite anyone they know. I don't know many people in town... and maybe that is another problem.

It doesn't help that my family waits for me to call... they don't call me. My dad won't answer when I call and won't call me back. They don't visit me. My husband's entire family came for a 10 days. His parents and sister have been 6 times already.

I don't pray much anymore. Mostly because I am sleep deprived and spend 16 hours a day sleeping, eating or feeding a little baby. But even when I have the time, I find my prayer time bitter. Many of the things I have prayed for (Some of them since I was 10) have been answered with a "no". A few prayers have been answered with a "trade". It is as if God said, "I know you wanted "this", but I am going to give you something else. It is very similar and you will thank me in the long run."

I ask God, "Why me?" Pathetic really. I know that there is a purpose for all of this. I just feel like each of my problems, unanswered prayers, and my losses are like millstones around my neck. Each time I give them to God, I get another. It seems like I can't get away from them. Then after my prayers to resolve these "millstones" come back as a resounding "NO" I take all my millstones back and carry them around with me.

Some of my millstones are painted and carved with such anger at the negative response... I fear them. I fear what people would think if they saw them now. The stone itself is not harmful, but the hate that now covers them (through my bitterness) is crushing.

I am afraid that most of this rant will be considered post partum depression. But honestly, I have felt this way for some time... probably 2 years now. I can't help how I feel. I try to keep my outside looking normal/calm/cool/collected. But inside I am always a mess. Some days I feel rejected by God. Most days I feel rejected by my family. I always feel rejected by myself. I don't even want to be around me.


Rebecca said...

I felt that way toward God for six and a half years. It was like I'd never even known Him, except I probably didn't like Him as much as someone who'd never known Him. I can strongly identify. It wasn't til I had been exiled to East Texas for a year that God finally decided to end it.

Jenn said...

I thought Ventura was my exile... it sure felt like hell.

I just don't think I could handle another "no" from God.

One prayer I had been praying the same way and time every year since I was 10 just got a "no" a few years ago. It was devistating to be praying for 15 years for something and to get a resounding "no".

Rebecca said...

You can't be okay with it, unless God changes everything. He had to bring me to a point where I was so miserable and desperate without Him that I would have been happy if he left me on the shelf for the rest of my life, and never gave me anything again, as long as I could just have him and be his. You can't conjure up that passion. He works it into you on his terms, and when He does, all the joy finally comes back. The waiting sucks, big time, but it's not forever. I hope it's over soon.